Written Fall of 2008

Different Details
Details, I will admit I never payed much attention. Until Greg died. I never really seen a sunrise in its beauty or the sunset in its glorious colors. I do now. Details, never before did I think about the details that would be expected of me after Gregs death. From the hours that followed to the current day 3 years later. From the clothes he would be buried in to memorializing him the way he would be proud of today. The details.
We had a neighbor die in a farming accident yesterday. He was with his wife, and I am sure having conversation. The conversation ended without actually ending. Before Gregs death, I never thought about the details. When a person hears of a death, you think "Oh my, what the family must be going through" True, but now it goes deeper than that. Now with Marvs death, I have thought about how his wife must have spent her night last night, how she has to pick out burial clothes, have his glasses in the correct place, comfort her children, explain the accident over and over to others. And the children..the girls, one living here and one in another state. The daughter far away, oh my gosh the long plane ride ahead of her, how can she read a magazine or listen to music as usual to make the flight go faster. The details.
I would have never thought of these things before. I remember back when Jennah Smith and Megan Hinds were killed. I did not know the families, but I laid awake every night for a week, knowing that the parents were not sleeping. Thinking about what it was like for me and knowing they were moving through the same moments as I did. Paying attention to details, but not realizing it till later.

Even today the details, I think I cannot make a mistake. Last year sometime, I wrote on a piece of paper Gregs Birthdate and deathdate. I requested a memorial page be put in the yearbook. When I heard about the mistake in the yearbook, I was very upset, the date was wrong. I was very angry with the school, but it didnt surprise me, they had made the mistake before. But guess what, the person who I had given the piece of paper to last year, had kept it and said it was my fault the yearbook was wrong cause I had written 9 instead of 19. Oh my gosh, I wish I could bury myself in the backyard. How could I face people who now know it was Greg's own mom who wrote the date wrong. How could I make that mistake. I made a mistake to detail.
Maybe I am moving along in my grief. This is a good thing, but it is scary and deep down I dont want it to happen.
If I am healing and moving forward, does that mean I am going further away from the broken heart and sadness I should always feel. If I keep myself raw and feeling bad like I did 3 years ago, will I be keeping Greg closer. NO.
Moving forward helps me help others, Moving forward, I take Greg with me. I will only hurt myself and the others around me if I continue to stay in my raw grief. Daryl and I say, "We have a choice, we can exist or we can live" We choose to live, it is not fair to us or Trent to just exist. We each take Greg with us in detail each day. He is with us always.

I try to tell others to pay attention to detail. Watch those sunrises and gaze into as many sunrises as you can.
When talking to someone who has experienced a loss, ask them about the details. Listen to them and then ask them to tell you more. Watch how the butterfly comes to you when you need it the most. Take the time to enjoy the leaves as they change their color. We know they can fall at anytime.

Written July 2007

Last week my sister, niece, Trent and I spent a week at the beach. the winds were warm and the water perfect. I sit and watched Trent play in the waves and struggle making a sandcastle. I remember back a couple years when it was Greg and I on the beach doing the same thing. I realized I was not sad, the memories were wonderful. My sister looked at me with tears in her eyes and said " I feel so close to Greg when we are on the beach" The beach is one of Greg's favorite places. We were sharing it with him again, I have no doubt in my mind. One evening we let balloons go from the beach, in honor of Greg. I don't know why but when we have released balloons before, I felt like I was sending them to him and on this evening I felt like he was beside me watching them travel out of sight. Our last evening in the water, Trent looked at me and said " I know you love Greg more, because you worry about him all the time" WOW.....It take precious lips and honesty of a 6 year old, for me to realize what I seem to be doing in his eyes. I explained to him that I love him so much and equal to my love for Greg. I then began to think about what he said....and realized, that is exactly what I have been doing, worrying about Greg all the time. Why? Greg is being taken care of by the best hands I could ask for, and Trent is here and needs me to take care of him, worry about him. He is so precious. He is teaching me so much and he does not even realize it. I have always said that "A week at the beach is equal to a year of therapy."

Grief and Life

Yesterday was Greg's 17th birthday. Oh how I wish he was here to celebrate it, this year I am MAD he is not here. I came home from the bus and wrote the following.

Grief and Life

I miss my life, before grief walked in, and made itself at home.
Grief is something I wish would go away and forget how he found his way here.
Who does he think he is, just showing up unexpected, taking control.
I want him to go away, never to return.

Grief is so powerful, it causes so many emotions.
Grief can silence you, but can make you want to scream.
Grief will bring you to your knees, but also make you want to run as far away as you can.
Reading a good devotional can bring you comfort, and going into the woods and yelling at trees can be as soothing.
Grief is so powerful.
I want it to go away, but I also need it to stay.
It makes me numb, but also makes me feel.
Grief is so confusing, but makes so much sense.

Grief can stay in my house.
Grief can be overpowering but can be contained.
Mature grief can be told when to go away and when it is needed.
Mature grief can be entwined in my life and lived with.
Grief. My life. Forever my enemy and my companion.

Sitting and Thinking April 2007

I sit and think, Never in a million years would I have thought I would have went a year and a half without seeing my Greg. I remember thinking on Sept 19th 2005 just how was I going to make it to the 20th. Then is was a week, then a month. Then a year. I still can't imagine getting to 2 years, 5 years, 20 years. Because of our family and friends, we are getting there. Because of our attending the National Bereaved Parents Gathering in 2006, we are getting there. Meeting every month with our Bereaved Parents Group we are getting there. We have a place we can go and it is a safe haven, a place where we can talk about our child and our problems over and over again without fear of someone saying "We've already talked about that" or "Isn't it time you got over that". No one will say "Don't dwell on it" or " You are not the only one who ever lost a child."
We will never get over the death of a child, we can get through it. We still love Greg as much as ever and always will. We know our children can live on in our hearts because of all the love and all the things we do because of them.
Lee Ann

Sadness, Honesty and Laughter

I ran into a friend today, her son died on April 9th 2006. Everytime we see each other it is a breath of fresh air. We always ask "How have you been?" And we are honest with our answers. We do not have to fake it with each other. This month her son died, it would have been my son Greg's 17th birthday. We share how we cry and how we continue to move on. We talked about crying and how it is not always sad now. It is healing tears and sweet memories.
Early on Daryl and I decided we needed to make a choice, do we exist or do we live. We have chose to live. Greg would want it this way.
I don't cry everyday. But believe me all the crying that I have done has helped me be in the place I am now. I honestly feel Greg with me every moment. I take him everywhere with me. I will always have the feeling of homesickness, sadness and hurt. That will never go away. I have just learned to mold that into my life. It has made the new me.
Greg's birthday is coming up next week and we will celebrate his 13 years of life. I will not be sad on the 29th. We will tell stories about Greg, there are so many to tell, and I promise there will be tears of laughter.
Not everyone can do this. It is a choice each of us has to make. I know my son would be furious if I sit and cried all the time. I choose to help others and in doing so helps me. Everything I do is in Greg's memory. Here is a hint, if you have not done this, try it. Next time you go through the drive-thru, pay for the car behind you. I tell the clerk," I don't know them but I am paying for their order, and tell them to just laugh. Everytime I do it, I hear Greg laughing and hopefully made someone's day brighter.
Lee ann Hutson

Pain

The pain...
The saddness you must have felt.
Oh, how your thinking in the moment
will last a lifetime for me.
Now I hold the pain and sadness for you.

I Sit and Listen

I Sit and Listen

I sit and listen.
I think I hear your steps,
your sigh,
the feel of your touch.
I sit and listen...
and ache.
I sit and listen to the overwhelming
strength of reality.
I sit and listen...
hoping,
and just wondering.
It could happen.
I hear your steps,
hear your sigh,
and feel your touch.
I sit and listen...
and wait.

Dad Perspective

We read the paper,
we follow the news.
To help others,
we send cards, we send e-mails.
To help others,
we talk on the phone, we talk in person.
When we hear the tragic news, we relive the pain
and the memories of our defining day.
But we do it to help others.
We invite them to meetings.
We give encouraging advice, but sometimes
we need the help of others.

Written February 2008

Hello,
Like everyone else I am so ready for Spring to arrive. This time of year really beats up the heart and soul, the gray skies and dreary days. I am so ready for the opening up of the sky, so the sun can pour in and refresh my soul.
Some random thoughts, please bear with me.
Don't you wish we had training manuals on just about everything. I have a book called "Beyond Sympathy, What to say to a person who has suffered a loss." It should be a required reading for everyone. I scan through it occasionally. Even since our loss, I don't know what to say to people. Do you find that strange? We should know what to say. We know not to say about 95% of what we have been told. I went into the post office last fall and Jill, said "I have been thinking about you alot lately? I said Thank you, (I presumed she remembered it was my son Greg's angel date month) Jill continued to tell me, her daughter had passed away a few weeks prior. I honestly stood there, not having a clue what to say. We shared stories and talked about her daughter. I got into the car and looked at Daryl and said "No wonder no one knows what to say to us, when I don't even know what to say." I am learning to just speak from the heart, be sincere.
Random thought, Who would buy a shirt with me that says, I LOVE TO HEAR MY CHILD'S NAME! or ASK ME ABOUT MY CHILD or even IF IM CRYING DONT BE AFRAID OF ME. (Can any of you relate to the following?) I was having a moment one day at work and was crying very obviously At least 20 min went by and no one spoke to me, I felt really alone. Then two people just walked up and gave me a hug, they knew they didn't have to say a word. My boss asked if I was okay, everyone was coming to her wondering if it was a significant date. I am not ashamed of my tears, whether in private or public. I sometimes feel as if others think that what I have is catching. Or the obvious, they have not read the manual either on what to say to a grieving heart.
How do I fix it? I don't have the answer yet. One thing, I do is talk and maybe someone will listen and understand, or maybe I should just buy a shirt.
Lee ann

Gift of Life

Greg touched so many lives.
We will remember his laugh, his expressions, his lyrics, drawings, love and always caring words.
Greg gave us thirteen years of memories all good and not one bad, from hunting bugs to marching band, he lived full each day he had.
God blessed us with a special gift but had to call him home.
Greg gave the gift of life, now his life keeps going on

Dad suffering

Today is Tuesday, first day back to school after Christmas break.
What a hard day. Even after 3 years.
Why are we going back to school?
Why is everyone moving on day to day like there is nothing wrong in my life. I was having a very emotional day today. Wondering why? I want to cry at every little thing. I couldn't find my debit card and looked in Daryls coat pocket. It is what I needed to let the flood flow and get some relief.
I do believe tears are a healing tool.
There was a note in Daryl's pocket, it was what he wrote to say to the 100 people that attended the Suicide Prevention Session we had at school before Christmas. He never got to read it, he said after I got done speaking that he couldn't do anymore than what I said. I got to read his note today.

(My name is Daryl Hutson, my wife is Lee Ann and sons Trent and Greg. Our son Greg died of suicide in Sept. of 2005. How does it affect me? I have a hole in my heart that never heals. I hurt every single day. I have to do something no man should have to do. I weedeat around my son's grave. The pain never leaves.)

I love you Daryl, your pain is my pain.