Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Written Fall of 2008

Different Details
Details, I will admit I never payed much attention. Until Greg died. I never really seen a sunrise in its beauty or the sunset in its glorious colors. I do now. Details, never before did I think about the details that would be expected of me after Gregs death. From the hours that followed to the current day 3 years later. From the clothes he would be buried in to memorializing him the way he would be proud of today. The details.
We had a neighbor die in a farming accident yesterday. He was with his wife, and I am sure having conversation. The conversation ended without actually ending. Before Gregs death, I never thought about the details. When a person hears of a death, you think "Oh my, what the family must be going through" True, but now it goes deeper than that. Now with Marvs death, I have thought about how his wife must have spent her night last night, how she has to pick out burial clothes, have his glasses in the correct place, comfort her children, explain the accident over and over to others. And the children..the girls, one living here and one in another state. The daughter far away, oh my gosh the long plane ride ahead of her, how can she read a magazine or listen to music as usual to make the flight go faster. The details.
I would have never thought of these things before. I remember back when Jennah Smith and Megan Hinds were killed. I did not know the families, but I laid awake every night for a week, knowing that the parents were not sleeping. Thinking about what it was like for me and knowing they were moving through the same moments as I did. Paying attention to details, but not realizing it till later.

Even today the details, I think I cannot make a mistake. Last year sometime, I wrote on a piece of paper Gregs Birthdate and deathdate. I requested a memorial page be put in the yearbook. When I heard about the mistake in the yearbook, I was very upset, the date was wrong. I was very angry with the school, but it didnt surprise me, they had made the mistake before. But guess what, the person who I had given the piece of paper to last year, had kept it and said it was my fault the yearbook was wrong cause I had written 9 instead of 19. Oh my gosh, I wish I could bury myself in the backyard. How could I face people who now know it was Greg's own mom who wrote the date wrong. How could I make that mistake. I made a mistake to detail.
Maybe I am moving along in my grief. This is a good thing, but it is scary and deep down I dont want it to happen.
If I am healing and moving forward, does that mean I am going further away from the broken heart and sadness I should always feel. If I keep myself raw and feeling bad like I did 3 years ago, will I be keeping Greg closer. NO.
Moving forward helps me help others, Moving forward, I take Greg with me. I will only hurt myself and the others around me if I continue to stay in my raw grief. Daryl and I say, "We have a choice, we can exist or we can live" We choose to live, it is not fair to us or Trent to just exist. We each take Greg with us in detail each day. He is with us always.

I try to tell others to pay attention to detail. Watch those sunrises and gaze into as many sunrises as you can.
When talking to someone who has experienced a loss, ask them about the details. Listen to them and then ask them to tell you more. Watch how the butterfly comes to you when you need it the most. Take the time to enjoy the leaves as they change their color. We know they can fall at anytime.

Written July 2007

Last week my sister, niece, Trent and I spent a week at the beach. the winds were warm and the water perfect. I sit and watched Trent play in the waves and struggle making a sandcastle. I remember back a couple years when it was Greg and I on the beach doing the same thing. I realized I was not sad, the memories were wonderful. My sister looked at me with tears in her eyes and said " I feel so close to Greg when we are on the beach" The beach is one of Greg's favorite places. We were sharing it with him again, I have no doubt in my mind. One evening we let balloons go from the beach, in honor of Greg. I don't know why but when we have released balloons before, I felt like I was sending them to him and on this evening I felt like he was beside me watching them travel out of sight. Our last evening in the water, Trent looked at me and said " I know you love Greg more, because you worry about him all the time" WOW.....It take precious lips and honesty of a 6 year old, for me to realize what I seem to be doing in his eyes. I explained to him that I love him so much and equal to my love for Greg. I then began to think about what he said....and realized, that is exactly what I have been doing, worrying about Greg all the time. Why? Greg is being taken care of by the best hands I could ask for, and Trent is here and needs me to take care of him, worry about him. He is so precious. He is teaching me so much and he does not even realize it. I have always said that "A week at the beach is equal to a year of therapy."