When you have lost someone so very dear to you, the most dreaded time of year is the holidays. In the beginning you just want to jump from Nov 1st to Jan 1st, and pretend it did not exist. I remember last year, our first Christmas without Greg in 13 years, I was numb, I remember feeling nothing but sadness. On Thanksgiving it was our first gathering of all the family and it also felt like an elephant was in the room with us. Nobody wanted to bring up why we were all so sad and quiet, everyone is afraid they will make you cry. I want to yell, Cry, they are tears of sadness and love all in one. I brought Greg into the room with us by talking about him and remembering him by lighting candles and showing our love and knowing his presence will always be with us.
After our Christmas festivities I sit and wrote the following passage in my journal. "When I sit in a crowd such as Thanksgiving and today Christmas, I feel like I am watching from the sidelines, people walking and talking around me, the world moving on and I am standing still. I am yelling but no one hears me. Do you have no idea how I feel, why do you keep going as if nothing is wrong. Then I realize I am going on and through the motions and get angry…" Dec.25,2005 I don’t even remember what our 6 year old Trent got from Santa. I don’t want that to happen again.
The difference between last year and this year so far, I am feeling……everything. But how unfortunate for my family. I am grouchy, I am wanting new traditions, I want change. I will let you know in the January newsletter just how well this was all accepted by my family.
What can I tell you, to help you through this Christmas season? All I can tell you is what has helped me. Last year, we took the money we would have spent on Greg and donated to the Reindeer Gift Program and the Shop with a Fireman. It helped us knowing that we were helping other children have a better Christmas.
We attended the Roses in December program at the New Hope Christian Church. A service to remember your loved ones who are no longer with us. What a feeling…I felt so close to Greg. On December 10th at 6 p.m. you will see me there again this year. I encourage everyone to attend.
I get so much strength from friends and family who have lost loved ones so many years ago, they are with me and helping me. They give me hope. I know that part of my healing has come by helping others.
Take care of yourself. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself permission to enjoy , to laugh, and find peace. It will take time. Each of these things are a part of your healing. Our lives will never be the same and we have to find our new path and new ways.
Lee ann Hutson
Needs, Wishes and Regrets
2 years ago