Written February 2008

Hello,
Like everyone else I am so ready for Spring to arrive. This time of year really beats up the heart and soul, the gray skies and dreary days. I am so ready for the opening up of the sky, so the sun can pour in and refresh my soul.
Some random thoughts, please bear with me.
Don't you wish we had training manuals on just about everything. I have a book called "Beyond Sympathy, What to say to a person who has suffered a loss." It should be a required reading for everyone. I scan through it occasionally. Even since our loss, I don't know what to say to people. Do you find that strange? We should know what to say. We know not to say about 95% of what we have been told. I went into the post office last fall and Jill, said "I have been thinking about you alot lately? I said Thank you, (I presumed she remembered it was my son Greg's angel date month) Jill continued to tell me, her daughter had passed away a few weeks prior. I honestly stood there, not having a clue what to say. We shared stories and talked about her daughter. I got into the car and looked at Daryl and said "No wonder no one knows what to say to us, when I don't even know what to say." I am learning to just speak from the heart, be sincere.
Random thought, Who would buy a shirt with me that says, I LOVE TO HEAR MY CHILD'S NAME! or ASK ME ABOUT MY CHILD or even IF IM CRYING DONT BE AFRAID OF ME. (Can any of you relate to the following?) I was having a moment one day at work and was crying very obviously At least 20 min went by and no one spoke to me, I felt really alone. Then two people just walked up and gave me a hug, they knew they didn't have to say a word. My boss asked if I was okay, everyone was coming to her wondering if it was a significant date. I am not ashamed of my tears, whether in private or public. I sometimes feel as if others think that what I have is catching. Or the obvious, they have not read the manual either on what to say to a grieving heart.
How do I fix it? I don't have the answer yet. One thing, I do is talk and maybe someone will listen and understand, or maybe I should just buy a shirt.
Lee ann

Gift of Life

Greg touched so many lives.
We will remember his laugh, his expressions, his lyrics, drawings, love and always caring words.
Greg gave us thirteen years of memories all good and not one bad, from hunting bugs to marching band, he lived full each day he had.
God blessed us with a special gift but had to call him home.
Greg gave the gift of life, now his life keeps going on

Here We Go

The following was written Dec 07..after our 3rd Christmas without Greg.

Here we go, another year. Just so you know, after I sent out the last newsletter, I did decorate my tree. Mainly because my 7 year old looked at it the day I put it up and said "Mom, what are we suppose to do with that?" So we decorated it.
Each of us are at a different place. Some are still in the rawness of it, some are beginning to live above it, and others are farther along on this journey and can inspire the rest of us that it will steadily get easier. I understood what I felt after reading the following from a mother who describes her feelings. She wrote the following, " I didn't realize a heart could physically hurt from mental and emotional pain. I would find myself standing, anywhere, when it would feel as if my heart was being squeezed and my breath was being taken away. It felt like my next heartbeat was going to be the last. But then it beat again and again. I am going to survive this. It felt like the pain would not let the next beat happen, but it did. After so many times, you begin learning to live with the pain. I am learning that my heart can withstand far more pain than I ever imagined." I love Greg as much in death as I loved him in life. He is my son and I will always be his mom. We just went through our 3rd holidays without Greg and yes, I have to say it was easier this year. Do I feel guilty for saying that, sure. But it was different, we are laughing and smiling at the memories now, where before they made us sad. We are moving on in this journey. Hard, oh yes. We wouldn't be this far, if we hadn't talked with others and listened to others. We are not alone, and you are not either.One of the best ways to help yourself, I believe, is to honor your child or loved one eveyday. How do we honor Greg. By getting up everyday and taking another breath. We laugh and cry with those who knew his laugh and smile. We talk about him and celebrate good times with him. I take chances, say what I feel. Greg was my light, my heart, my gift. Everyday I want to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love in honor of Greg.
With this new year starting I am wishing you warm memories and many smiles of joy.
Lee Ann