Grief and Life

Yesterday was Greg's 17th birthday. Oh how I wish he was here to celebrate it, this year I am MAD he is not here. I came home from the bus and wrote the following.

Grief and Life

I miss my life, before grief walked in, and made itself at home.
Grief is something I wish would go away and forget how he found his way here.
Who does he think he is, just showing up unexpected, taking control.
I want him to go away, never to return.

Grief is so powerful, it causes so many emotions.
Grief can silence you, but can make you want to scream.
Grief will bring you to your knees, but also make you want to run as far away as you can.
Reading a good devotional can bring you comfort, and going into the woods and yelling at trees can be as soothing.
Grief is so powerful.
I want it to go away, but I also need it to stay.
It makes me numb, but also makes me feel.
Grief is so confusing, but makes so much sense.

Grief can stay in my house.
Grief can be overpowering but can be contained.
Mature grief can be told when to go away and when it is needed.
Mature grief can be entwined in my life and lived with.
Grief. My life. Forever my enemy and my companion.

Sitting and Thinking April 2007

I sit and think, Never in a million years would I have thought I would have went a year and a half without seeing my Greg. I remember thinking on Sept 19th 2005 just how was I going to make it to the 20th. Then is was a week, then a month. Then a year. I still can't imagine getting to 2 years, 5 years, 20 years. Because of our family and friends, we are getting there. Because of our attending the National Bereaved Parents Gathering in 2006, we are getting there. Meeting every month with our Bereaved Parents Group we are getting there. We have a place we can go and it is a safe haven, a place where we can talk about our child and our problems over and over again without fear of someone saying "We've already talked about that" or "Isn't it time you got over that". No one will say "Don't dwell on it" or " You are not the only one who ever lost a child."
We will never get over the death of a child, we can get through it. We still love Greg as much as ever and always will. We know our children can live on in our hearts because of all the love and all the things we do because of them.
Lee Ann

Sadness, Honesty and Laughter

I ran into a friend today, her son died on April 9th 2006. Everytime we see each other it is a breath of fresh air. We always ask "How have you been?" And we are honest with our answers. We do not have to fake it with each other. This month her son died, it would have been my son Greg's 17th birthday. We share how we cry and how we continue to move on. We talked about crying and how it is not always sad now. It is healing tears and sweet memories.
Early on Daryl and I decided we needed to make a choice, do we exist or do we live. We have chose to live. Greg would want it this way.
I don't cry everyday. But believe me all the crying that I have done has helped me be in the place I am now. I honestly feel Greg with me every moment. I take him everywhere with me. I will always have the feeling of homesickness, sadness and hurt. That will never go away. I have just learned to mold that into my life. It has made the new me.
Greg's birthday is coming up next week and we will celebrate his 13 years of life. I will not be sad on the 29th. We will tell stories about Greg, there are so many to tell, and I promise there will be tears of laughter.
Not everyone can do this. It is a choice each of us has to make. I know my son would be furious if I sit and cried all the time. I choose to help others and in doing so helps me. Everything I do is in Greg's memory. Here is a hint, if you have not done this, try it. Next time you go through the drive-thru, pay for the car behind you. I tell the clerk," I don't know them but I am paying for their order, and tell them to just laugh. Everytime I do it, I hear Greg laughing and hopefully made someone's day brighter.
Lee ann Hutson

Pain

The pain...
The saddness you must have felt.
Oh, how your thinking in the moment
will last a lifetime for me.
Now I hold the pain and sadness for you.

I Sit and Listen

I Sit and Listen

I sit and listen.
I think I hear your steps,
your sigh,
the feel of your touch.
I sit and listen...
and ache.
I sit and listen to the overwhelming
strength of reality.
I sit and listen...
hoping,
and just wondering.
It could happen.
I hear your steps,
hear your sigh,
and feel your touch.
I sit and listen...
and wait.

Dad Perspective

We read the paper,
we follow the news.
To help others,
we send cards, we send e-mails.
To help others,
we talk on the phone, we talk in person.
When we hear the tragic news, we relive the pain
and the memories of our defining day.
But we do it to help others.
We invite them to meetings.
We give encouraging advice, but sometimes
we need the help of others.

Written February 2008

Hello,
Like everyone else I am so ready for Spring to arrive. This time of year really beats up the heart and soul, the gray skies and dreary days. I am so ready for the opening up of the sky, so the sun can pour in and refresh my soul.
Some random thoughts, please bear with me.
Don't you wish we had training manuals on just about everything. I have a book called "Beyond Sympathy, What to say to a person who has suffered a loss." It should be a required reading for everyone. I scan through it occasionally. Even since our loss, I don't know what to say to people. Do you find that strange? We should know what to say. We know not to say about 95% of what we have been told. I went into the post office last fall and Jill, said "I have been thinking about you alot lately? I said Thank you, (I presumed she remembered it was my son Greg's angel date month) Jill continued to tell me, her daughter had passed away a few weeks prior. I honestly stood there, not having a clue what to say. We shared stories and talked about her daughter. I got into the car and looked at Daryl and said "No wonder no one knows what to say to us, when I don't even know what to say." I am learning to just speak from the heart, be sincere.
Random thought, Who would buy a shirt with me that says, I LOVE TO HEAR MY CHILD'S NAME! or ASK ME ABOUT MY CHILD or even IF IM CRYING DONT BE AFRAID OF ME. (Can any of you relate to the following?) I was having a moment one day at work and was crying very obviously At least 20 min went by and no one spoke to me, I felt really alone. Then two people just walked up and gave me a hug, they knew they didn't have to say a word. My boss asked if I was okay, everyone was coming to her wondering if it was a significant date. I am not ashamed of my tears, whether in private or public. I sometimes feel as if others think that what I have is catching. Or the obvious, they have not read the manual either on what to say to a grieving heart.
How do I fix it? I don't have the answer yet. One thing, I do is talk and maybe someone will listen and understand, or maybe I should just buy a shirt.
Lee ann