Holidays 2006

Holidays 2006
When you have lost someone so very dear to you, the most dreaded time of year is the holidays. In the beginning you just want to jump from Nov 1st to Jan 1st, and pretend it did not exist. I remember last year, our first Christmas without Greg in 13 years, I was numb, I remember feeling nothing but sadness. On Thanksgiving it was our first gathering of all the family and it also felt like an elephant was in the room with us. Nobody wanted to bring up why we were all so sad and quiet, everyone is afraid they will make you cry. I want to yell, Cry, they are tears of sadness and love all in one. I brought Greg into the room with us by talking about him and remembering him by lighting candles and showing our love and knowing his presence will always be with us.
After our Christmas festivities I sit and wrote the following passage in my journal. "When I sit in a crowd such as Thanksgiving and today Christmas, I feel like I am watching from the sidelines, people walking and talking around me, the world moving on and I am standing still. I am yelling but no one hears me. Do you have no idea how I feel, why do you keep going as if nothing is wrong. Then I realize I am going on and through the motions and get angry…" Dec.25,2005 I don’t even remember what our 6 year old Trent got from Santa. I don’t want that to happen again.
The difference between last year and this year so far, I am feeling……everything. But how unfortunate for my family. I am grouchy, I am wanting new traditions, I want change. I will let you know in the January newsletter just how well this was all accepted by my family.
What can I tell you, to help you through this Christmas season? All I can tell you is what has helped me. Last year, we took the money we would have spent on Greg and donated to the Reindeer Gift Program and the Shop with a Fireman. It helped us knowing that we were helping other children have a better Christmas.
We attended the Roses in December program at the New Hope Christian Church. A service to remember your loved ones who are no longer with us. What a feeling…I felt so close to Greg. On December 10th at 6 p.m. you will see me there again this year. I encourage everyone to attend.
I get so much strength from friends and family who have lost loved ones so many years ago, they are with me and helping me. They give me hope. I know that part of my healing has come by helping others.
Take care of yourself. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself permission to enjoy , to laugh, and find peace. It will take time. Each of these things are a part of your healing. Our lives will never be the same and we have to find our new path and new ways.
Lee ann Hutson

Ohio, August 05.

Raw, the hurt is so deep and you can't even see the surface yet. Don't think you ever will.
Becky Russell (weepyseeds blog) said to us in Chicago 2 years ago...Time heals, it has to. Because nobody can live with that type of pain.

November 19 2005
It has been 2 months ago today, I lost you. I want you to walk in that door so badly it hurts to breath. I am so homesick to see you, nothing else matters. I feel like I am just going through the motions of living. Trent misses you so much. I want to touch you, talk to you, hold your hand. I feel like my soul is gone. I am so sorry that you felt you were disappointing us. I want to know what happened. I am going crazy going back to that morning. I try to change it every time, and your still gone. I feel like I cant take deep enough breaths. I want to breath for you. I pray you know how much I love you. I am so sorry. I don’t think I can read any or enough grief books to help me through this. I can’t get through these days quick enough. I love you babe. Every where I look you should be standing there. I see your face everywhere. I read that I am to start a new life - How can I do that? I don’t want to, you were my life, what am I suppose to do now. I have to be a mom for Trent, I pray I don’t mess things up with him.
You are missed by so many. Allie loves you so much. Tregg is suffering and Josh is hurting and is so confused. We all miss you so much.
We just don’t understand and never will. I want to run away, be by myself. Nothing is important anymore. Material things, how the house looks, nothing. You were my sunshine every morning at 545 am. I miss that so much. I see you walk in every morning. My heart hurts.
I love you, MOM

Gregory Michael Hutson

4/29/92 - 9/19/05

What is this for?

I sit all day trying to figure out what to put here first. I want to celebrate Greg, my life before and after his death, Daryl, Trent, my family, friends, coping, surviving and most of all ....Hope and Encouragement. I want to get thoughts, advice, stories and remembrances from others.
I thought I would put some of my writings from over the past 3 years here, along with Daryl's.
I want to put them in order of writing them. As I look back over them, I see a survivor, enduring a journey I never imagined I would have to take. I see someone growing and changing. Healing. Will you please heal with me. Share with me.