Remember To Always Laugh

Why is the ocean a healing place?

2012-01-28T14:25:00.000-08:00

Here is how I feel, when at the water.

As I sit at the water's edge, gazing out over the surf,
my eyes can not comprehend how far I can see.
How small I am in this world, in this life.
But I ask, how can something so small feel so much?
Because I love.
As my tears fall, they connect with the tide and are swept away.
I am apart of this water.
This ocean is far greater then me, for I am small.
I will let it cleanse me, wash away some of the pain, bring me some peace, heal me.
At weeks end, I will walk to this water's edge and give it thanks, to it's power,
it's beauty, it's greatness, for it's healing.
I am small in this world next to it, but it has made me stronger.
I will dip my toe in one last time, to say good-bye.

Written Fall of 2008

2009-09-15T16:45:00.000-07:00

Different Details
Details, I will admit I never payed much attention. Until Greg died. I never really seen a sunrise in its beauty or the sunset in its glorious colors. I do now. Details, never before did I think about the details that would be expected of me after Gregs death. From the hours that followed to the current day 3 years later. From the clothes he would be buried in to memorializing him the way he would be proud of today. The details.
We had a neighbor die in a farming accident yesterday. He was with his wife, and I am sure having conversation. The conversation ended without actually ending. Before Gregs death, I never thought about the details. When a person hears of a death, you think "Oh my, what the family must be going through" True, but now it goes deeper than that. Now with Marvs death, I have thought about how his wife must have spent her night last night, how she has to pick out burial clothes, have his glasses in the correct place, comfort her children, explain the accident over and over to others. And the children..the girls, one living here and one in another state. The daughter far away, oh my gosh the long plane ride ahead of her, how can she read a magazine or listen to music as usual to make the flight go faster. The details.
I would have never thought of these things before. I remember back when Jennah Smith and Megan Hinds were killed. I did not know the families, but I laid awake every night for a week, knowing that the parents were not sleeping. Thinking about what it was like for me and knowing they were moving through the same moments as I did. Paying attention to details, but not realizing it till later.

Even today the details, I think I cannot make a mistake. Last year sometime, I wrote on a piece of paper Gregs Birthdate and deathdate. I requested a memorial page be put in the yearbook. When I heard about the mistake in the yearbook, I was very upset, the date was wrong. I was very angry with the school, but it didnt surprise me, they had made the mistake before. But guess what, the person who I had given the piece of paper to last year, had kept it and said it was my fault the yearbook was wrong cause I had written 9 instead of 19. Oh my gosh, I wish I could bury myself in the backyard. How could I face people who now know it was Greg's own mom who wrote the date wrong. How could I make that mistake. I made a mistake to detail.
Maybe I am moving along in my grief. This is a good thing, but it is scary and deep down I dont want it to happen.
If I am healing and moving forward, does that mean I am going further away from the broken heart and sadness I should always feel. If I keep myself raw and feeling bad like I did 3 years ago, will I be keeping Greg closer. NO.
Moving forward helps me help others, Moving forward, I take Greg with me. I will only hurt myself and the others around me if I continue to stay in my raw grief. Daryl and I say, "We have a choice, we can exist or we can live" We choose to live, it is not fair to us or Trent to just exist. We each take Greg with us in detail each day. He is with us always.

I try to tell others to pay attention to detail. Watch those sunrises and gaze into as many sunrises as you can.
When talking to someone who has experienced a loss, ask them about the details. Listen to them and then ask them to tell you more. Watch how the butterfly comes to you when you need it the most. Take the time to enjoy the leaves as they change their color. We know they can fall at anytime.

Written July 2007

2009-09-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

Last week my sister, niece, Trent and I spent a week at the beach. the winds were warm and the water perfect. I sit and watched Trent play in the waves and struggle making a sandcastle. I remember back a couple years when it was Greg and I on the beach doing the same thing. I realized I was not sad, the memories were wonderful. My sister looked at me with tears in her eyes and said " I feel so close to Greg when we are on the beach" The beach is one of Greg's favorite places. We were sharing it with him again, I have no doubt in my mind. One evening we let balloons go from the beach, in honor of Greg. I don't know why but when we have released balloons before, I felt like I was sending them to him and on this evening I felt like he was beside me watching them travel out of sight. Our last evening in the water, Trent looked at me and said " I know you love Greg more, because you worry about him all the time" WOW.....It take precious lips and honesty of a 6 year old, for me to realize what I seem to be doing in his eyes. I explained to him that I love him so much and equal to my love for Greg. I then began to think about what he said....and realized, that is exactly what I have been doing, worrying about Greg all the time. Why? Greg is being taken care of by the best hands I could ask for, and Trent is here and needs me to take care of him, worry about him. He is so precious. He is teaching me so much and he does not even realize it. I have always said that "A week at the beach is equal to a year of therapy."

Grief and Life

2009-04-30T06:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Greg's 17th birthday. Oh how I wish he was here to celebrate it, this year I am MAD he is not here. I came home from the bus and wrote the following.

Grief and Life

I miss my life, before grief walked in, and made itself at home.
Grief is something I wish would go away and forget how he found his way here.
Who does he think he is, just showing up unexpected, taking control.
I want him to go away, never to return.

Grief is so powerful, it causes so many emotions.
Grief can silence you, but can make you want to scream.
Grief will bring you to your knees, but also make you want to run as far away as you can.
Reading a good devotional can bring you comfort, and going into the woods and yelling at trees can be as soothing.
Grief is so powerful.
I want it to go away, but I also need it to stay.
It makes me numb, but also makes me feel.
Grief is so confusing, but makes so much sense.

Grief can stay in my house.
Grief can be overpowering but can be contained.
Mature grief can be told when to go away and when it is needed.
Mature grief can be entwined in my life and lived with.
Grief. My life. Forever my enemy and my companion.

Sitting and Thinking April 2007

2009-04-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

I sit and think, Never in a million years would I have thought I would have went a year and a half without seeing my Greg. I remember thinking on Sept 19th 2005 just how was I going to make it to the 20th. Then is was a week, then a month. Then a year. I still can't imagine getting to 2 years, 5 years, 20 years. Because of our family and friends, we are getting there. Because of our attending the National Bereaved Parents Gathering in 2006, we are getting there. Meeting every month with our Bereaved Parents Group we are getting there. We have a place we can go and it is a safe haven, a place where we can talk about our child and our problems over and over again without fear of someone saying "We've already talked about that" or "Isn't it time you got over that". No one will say "Don't dwell on it" or " You are not the only one who ever lost a child."
We will never get over the death of a child, we can get through it. We still love Greg as much as ever and always will. We know our children can live on in our hearts because of all the love and all the things we do because of them.
Lee Ann

Sadness, Honesty and Laughter

2009-04-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

I ran into a friend today, her son died on April 9th 2006. Everytime we see each other it is a breath of fresh air. We always ask "How have you been?" And we are honest with our answers. We do not have to fake it with each other. This month her son died, it would have been my son Greg's 17th birthday. We share how we cry and how we continue to move on. We talked about crying and how it is not always sad now. It is healing tears and sweet memories.
Early on Daryl and I decided we needed to make a choice, do we exist or do we live. We have chose to live. Greg would want it this way.
I don't cry everyday. But believe me all the crying that I have done has helped me be in the place I am now. I honestly feel Greg with me every moment. I take him everywhere with me. I will always have the feeling of homesickness, sadness and hurt. That will never go away. I have just learned to mold that into my life. It has made the new me.
Greg's birthday is coming up next week and we will celebrate his 13 years of life. I will not be sad on the 29th. We will tell stories about Greg, there are so many to tell, and I promise there will be tears of laughter.
Not everyone can do this. It is a choice each of us has to make. I know my son would be furious if I sit and cried all the time. I choose to help others and in doing so helps me. Everything I do is in Greg's memory. Here is a hint, if you have not done this, try it. Next time you go through the drive-thru, pay for the car behind you. I tell the clerk," I don't know them but I am paying for their order, and tell them to just laugh. Everytime I do it, I hear Greg laughing and hopefully made someone's day brighter.
Lee ann Hutson

Pain

2009-02-27T09:32:00.000-08:00

The pain...
The saddness you must have felt.
Oh, how your thinking in the moment
will last a lifetime for me.
Now I hold the pain and sadness for you.

I Sit and Listen

2009-02-27T09:26:00.000-08:00

I Sit and Listen

I sit and listen.
I think I hear your steps,
your sigh,
the feel of your touch.
I sit and listen...
and ache.
I sit and listen to the overwhelming
strength of reality.
I sit and listen...
hoping,
and just wondering.
It could happen.
I hear your steps,
hear your sigh,
and feel your touch.
I sit and listen...
and wait.

Dad Perspective

2009-02-14T10:05:00.000-08:00

We read the paper,
we follow the news.
To help others,
we send cards, we send e-mails.
To help others,
we talk on the phone, we talk in person.
When we hear the tragic news, we relive the pain
and the memories of our defining day.
But we do it to help others.
We invite them to meetings.
We give encouraging advice, but sometimes
we need the help of others.

Written February 2008

2009-02-09T15:56:00.000-08:00

Hello,
Like everyone else I am so ready for Spring to arrive. This time of year really beats up the heart and soul, the gray skies and dreary days. I am so ready for the opening up of the sky, so the sun can pour in and refresh my soul.
Some random thoughts, please bear with me.
Don't you wish we had training manuals on just about everything. I have a book called "Beyond Sympathy, What to say to a person who has suffered a loss." It should be a required reading for everyone. I scan through it occasionally. Even since our loss, I don't know what to say to people. Do you find that strange? We should know what to say. We know not to say about 95% of what we have been told. I went into the post office last fall and Jill, said "I have been thinking about you alot lately? I said Thank you, (I presumed she remembered it was my son Greg's angel date month) Jill continued to tell me, her daughter had passed away a few weeks prior. I honestly stood there, not having a clue what to say. We shared stories and talked about her daughter. I got into the car and looked at Daryl and said "No wonder no one knows what to say to us, when I don't even know what to say." I am learning to just speak from the heart, be sincere.
Random thought, Who would buy a shirt with me that says, I LOVE TO HEAR MY CHILD'S NAME! or ASK ME ABOUT MY CHILD or even IF IM CRYING DONT BE AFRAID OF ME. (Can any of you relate to the following?) I was having a moment one day at work and was crying very obviously At least 20 min went by and no one spoke to me, I felt really alone. Then two people just walked up and gave me a hug, they knew they didn't have to say a word. My boss asked if I was okay, everyone was coming to her wondering if it was a significant date. I am not ashamed of my tears, whether in private or public. I sometimes feel as if others think that what I have is catching. Or the obvious, they have not read the manual either on what to say to a grieving heart.
How do I fix it? I don't have the answer yet. One thing, I do is talk and maybe someone will listen and understand, or maybe I should just buy a shirt.
Lee ann

Gift of Life

2009-01-30T09:46:00.000-08:00

Greg touched so many lives.
We will remember his laugh, his expressions, his lyrics, drawings, love and always caring words.
Greg gave us thirteen years of memories all good and not one bad, from hunting bugs to marching band, he lived full each day he had.
God blessed us with a special gift but had to call him home.
Greg gave the gift of life, now his life keeps going on

Dad suffering

2009-01-06T15:31:00.000-08:00

Today is Tuesday, first day back to school after Christmas break.
What a hard day. Even after 3 years.
Why are we going back to school?
Why is everyone moving on day to day like there is nothing wrong in my life. I was having a very emotional day today. Wondering why? I want to cry at every little thing. I couldn't find my debit card and looked in Daryls coat pocket. It is what I needed to let the flood flow and get some relief.
I do believe tears are a healing tool.
There was a note in Daryl's pocket, it was what he wrote to say to the 100 people that attended the Suicide Prevention Session we had at school before Christmas. He never got to read it, he said after I got done speaking that he couldn't do anymore than what I said. I got to read his note today.

(My name is Daryl Hutson, my wife is Lee Ann and sons Trent and Greg. Our son Greg died of suicide in Sept. of 2005. How does it affect me? I have a hole in my heart that never heals. I hurt every single day. I have to do something no man should have to do. I weedeat around my son's grave. The pain never leaves.)

I love you Daryl, your pain is my pain.

Here We Go

2008-12-27T16:14:00.000-08:00

The following was written Dec 07..after our 3rd Christmas without Greg.

Here we go, another year. Just so you know, after I sent out the last newsletter, I did decorate my tree. Mainly because my 7 year old looked at it the day I put it up and said "Mom, what are we suppose to do with that?" So we decorated it.
Each of us are at a different place. Some are still in the rawness of it, some are beginning to live above it, and others are farther along on this journey and can inspire the rest of us that it will steadily get easier. I understood what I felt after reading the following from a mother who describes her feelings. She wrote the following, " I didn't realize a heart could physically hurt from mental and emotional pain. I would find myself standing, anywhere, when it would feel as if my heart was being squeezed and my breath was being taken away. It felt like my next heartbeat was going to be the last. But then it beat again and again. I am going to survive this. It felt like the pain would not let the next beat happen, but it did. After so many times, you begin learning to live with the pain. I am learning that my heart can withstand far more pain than I ever imagined." I love Greg as much in death as I loved him in life. He is my son and I will always be his mom. We just went through our 3rd holidays without Greg and yes, I have to say it was easier this year. Do I feel guilty for saying that, sure. But it was different, we are laughing and smiling at the memories now, where before they made us sad. We are moving on in this journey. Hard, oh yes. We wouldn't be this far, if we hadn't talked with others and listened to others. We are not alone, and you are not either.One of the best ways to help yourself, I believe, is to honor your child or loved one eveyday. How do we honor Greg. By getting up everyday and taking another breath. We laugh and cry with those who knew his laugh and smile. We talk about him and celebrate good times with him. I take chances, say what I feel. Greg was my light, my heart, my gift. Everyday I want to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love in honor of Greg.
With this new year starting I am wishing you warm memories and many smiles of joy.
Lee Ann

Spongebob Rules

2008-12-19T03:28:00.000-08:00

Tabor, Trent and Greg

Handling The Holidays 2007

2008-12-19T03:11:00.000-08:00

You know I sit all evening last night and tried to find the best "Handling the Holidays" or "Surviving the Holidays" article, to share with you, to help you with some advice. I found so many, but none that said it all. I really don't know why, it was such a struggle for me. Maybe it was the fact that every single one had ideas to help that were so much easier said then done.
I so remember our first Thanksgiving, I was all the emotions we all talk about. I didn't even want to be around anyone.
All the written advice tells you to take care of yourself, think ahead, lower your expectations, change traditions, cry but also feel good, talk to others, memorialize your loved one, they go on and on.
My first year I wanted no part of trying to take care of myself, how in the world was I suppose to do that, also I didn't want to. Cry, well I did that just fine. I remember I rolled around in my pain, and everyone around me was in just as much hurt. I try to not show all the emotions, who wants to see that, but then what happens, I get grouchy. Well you can guess how Thanksgiving went. Bad.
December rolls in way to quickly. If it wasn't for my mom and my sister, basically taking me to town and telling me what to buy every single person, I would not have gotten anything done. I was numb, and I was okay with that. I remember walking into Toys R Us and seeing the Lego aisle 30 feet away and getting sick to my stomach and trying to breath my way through the store. Christmas came and went, remember much, I do not.
Thanksgiving number two rolls in and I avoided it completely and actually got the flu so it went by in a flash. December number 2 was worse then 1. Year 1, I was numb, year 2, I felt everything. I almost think numb was better. Christmas number 2 was also very emotional. All of November and December I was intent on making some changes in traditions. If anything was going to change, now is the perfect time for change, we have just had a life changing event and so changing a few things at Christmas should have been easy. I was wrong, I can't change things by myself. I was the only one willing to take chances on something different.
Toys R Us during the 2nd Christmas was easier. But still had to avoid the Lego aisle.
The first year, it felt like there was an elephant in the room. At first, I think it was because nobody knew what to do. But we are so fortunate that my family and friends speak of Greg all the time and that is the greatest gift I could have.
This year, as we shopped, we kept pointing out things that Greg would have had to have. We laughed. Toys R Us, Lego aisle, I spent time there, seeing all the Legos that we would have bought. I smiled and remembered. What fun we had putting all those Legos together.
I think I am slowly doing some healing. Funny how Toys R Us is my meter for healing. In time you will start using some of the advice given in those "Surviving The Holidays" idea papers. All of a sudden you will stop and realize you are doing it.
I do think ahead, I say NO, I have no expectations, I'm still working on trying to get support for new traditions, I cry and I also feel good sometimes, I talk to everyone, and more important, I memorialize Greg every second, he is in everything I do, from the lighting of a candle to standing in the Lego aisle.
I finally pulled my tree out of the basement last week and put it up in the corner of the room. What am I going to do with it, I don't know. If I don't put a light or ornament on it, who cares...
it's a start.
My wish for each of you this holiday season....A feeling of peace and hope. Light a candle. Remember. Always Laugh.
Lee Ann Hutson

2008-12-02T16:17:00.000-08:00

The following was published in the 2007 Spring Edition , Living With Loss

For years my husband never had to buy a card for birthdays or anniversaries. He wrote everything himself, words from the heart. After our son Greg 13 died of suicide, my husband could not write a sentence that made any sense.
I could never write. The day after Greg died, I picked up a pencil and started writing. It has taken a year, but my husband picked up a pencil and wrote this one night. I am so proud of him and the distance we have both already come. Now we are both writing and trying to help others in the journey of loss and their grief work.

Written by my husband one year after our son died.
“I wanted my life to return to normal. Then I realized what I wanted was for my life to return to what it once was.
A year ago I found hope one night when I heard my wife and my youngest son laughing in our bedroom. I thought my life was returning to normal.
A year later I played cards with our youngest son after supper, with much fun and laughter. After a few cartoons he and my wife were off to bed. It was then that I realized that my life was not returning to the normal that is was when Greg was alive, but changing to new normal.
I can not return to what I once was, because all of the parts are no longer there.
I have made the choice, consciously and subconsciously to carry on with my life, thus creating a new normal.
Hope lies in accepting what you now have, looking back with joy, not sorrow. Looking ahead with optimism not pessimism.”
Daryl Hutson
Crawfordsville IN 2006

2008-12-02T16:14:00.000-08:00

November 21 2005
I love you. I miss you terribly. I keep thinking I should be looking at what to get you for Christmas. I see things and want to buy them so badly.
I feel like you are walking around here all the time. Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I heard you come in and I turned and said my usual “Hey Babe” I wanted to reach out and touch you, to feel you.

December 2005
All day long I listen for your step, your sigh, your smile.
I listen until the silence tightens around me and I don’t think I can take another breath.
Oh God you know I would give my life to hear your voice again, to feel you and hold your hand, to touch your face.
To just stand and watch you. I would give my life I say and yet how could I do that to your brother.
XOXO Mom

Holidays 2006

2008-11-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

Holidays 2006
When you have lost someone so very dear to you, the most dreaded time of year is the holidays. In the beginning you just want to jump from Nov 1st to Jan 1st, and pretend it did not exist. I remember last year, our first Christmas without Greg in 13 years, I was numb, I remember feeling nothing but sadness. On Thanksgiving it was our first gathering of all the family and it also felt like an elephant was in the room with us. Nobody wanted to bring up why we were all so sad and quiet, everyone is afraid they will make you cry. I want to yell, Cry, they are tears of sadness and love all in one. I brought Greg into the room with us by talking about him and remembering him by lighting candles and showing our love and knowing his presence will always be with us.
After our Christmas festivities I sit and wrote the following passage in my journal. "When I sit in a crowd such as Thanksgiving and today Christmas, I feel like I am watching from the sidelines, people walking and talking around me, the world moving on and I am standing still. I am yelling but no one hears me. Do you have no idea how I feel, why do you keep going as if nothing is wrong. Then I realize I am going on and through the motions and get angry…" Dec.25,2005 I don’t even remember what our 6 year old Trent got from Santa. I don’t want that to happen again.
The difference between last year and this year so far, I am feeling……everything. But how unfortunate for my family. I am grouchy, I am wanting new traditions, I want change. I will let you know in the January newsletter just how well this was all accepted by my family.
What can I tell you, to help you through this Christmas season? All I can tell you is what has helped me. Last year, we took the money we would have spent on Greg and donated to the Reindeer Gift Program and the Shop with a Fireman. It helped us knowing that we were helping other children have a better Christmas.
We attended the Roses in December program at the New Hope Christian Church. A service to remember your loved ones who are no longer with us. What a feeling…I felt so close to Greg. On December 10th at 6 p.m. you will see me there again this year. I encourage everyone to attend.
I get so much strength from friends and family who have lost loved ones so many years ago, they are with me and helping me. They give me hope. I know that part of my healing has come by helping others.
Take care of yourself. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself permission to enjoy , to laugh, and find peace. It will take time. Each of these things are a part of your healing. Our lives will never be the same and we have to find our new path and new ways.
Lee ann Hutson

2008-11-25T10:26:00.000-08:00

Ohio, August 05.

2008-11-25T10:14:00.000-08:00

Raw, the hurt is so deep and you can't even see the surface yet. Don't think you ever will.
Becky Russell (weepyseeds blog) said to us in Chicago 2 years ago...Time heals, it has to. Because nobody can live with that type of pain.

November 19 2005
It has been 2 months ago today, I lost you. I want you to walk in that door so badly it hurts to breath. I am so homesick to see you, nothing else matters. I feel like I am just going through the motions of living. Trent misses you so much. I want to touch you, talk to you, hold your hand. I feel like my soul is gone. I am so sorry that you felt you were disappointing us. I want to know what happened. I am going crazy going back to that morning. I try to change it every time, and your still gone. I feel like I cant take deep enough breaths. I want to breath for you. I pray you know how much I love you. I am so sorry. I don’t think I can read any or enough grief books to help me through this. I can’t get through these days quick enough. I love you babe. Every where I look you should be standing there. I see your face everywhere. I read that I am to start a new life - How can I do that? I don’t want to, you were my life, what am I suppose to do now. I have to be a mom for Trent, I pray I don’t mess things up with him.
You are missed by so many. Allie loves you so much. Tregg is suffering and Josh is hurting and is so confused. We all miss you so much.
We just don’t understand and never will. I want to run away, be by myself. Nothing is important anymore. Material things, how the house looks, nothing. You were my sunshine every morning at 545 am. I miss that so much. I see you walk in every morning. My heart hurts.
I love you, MOM

2008-11-24T15:04:00.000-08:00

Gregory Michael Hutson

4/29/92 - 9/19/05

What is this for?

2008-11-24T13:53:00.000-08:00

I sit all day trying to figure out what to put here first. I want to celebrate Greg, my life before and after his death, Daryl, Trent, my family, friends, coping, surviving and most of all ....Hope and Encouragement. I want to get thoughts, advice, stories and remembrances from others.
I thought I would put some of my writings from over the past 3 years here, along with Daryl's.
I want to put them in order of writing them. As I look back over them, I see a survivor, enduring a journey I never imagined I would have to take. I see someone growing and changing. Healing. Will you please heal with me. Share with me.